Trojan Man
by Mika Uriah
Summary: It was well after midnight in Gotham city when, Alfred Pennyworth, came back to Wayne manor with a cute buxom redheaded woman about 10 years Bruce’s senior. Named Tera Patrick; no, not the porn star


Trojan man

By: Mika Uriah

A\N: It has come to my attention while reading a lot of fan fiction over the years that with all the smut and sex going around - the use of the condom, or any sign of birth control seems to be a moot point. With no signs of any kind of ramifications. This story, and a conversation involving my husband and smut with fan fiction has inspired this story. I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except for Tera Patrick (NOT THE PORN STAR! Although, I wish. Never mind.)

It was well after midnight in Gotham city when, Alfred Pennyworth, came back to Wayne manor with a cute buxom redheaded woman about 10 years Bruce's senior. Named Tera Patrick; no, not the porn star who stars in the likes of "FORBIDDEN TALES" and "ISLAND FEVER 3," this Tera was the Nanny of the two children in the Miller house four houses down.

They went out for dinner, dancing, cocktails at the ice lounge and spent the last 20 minutes in his car making out like high school children, It was when Tera went for the Butler's zipper on his pants did Alfred stop her.

His voice which was normally accented with a rather proper British tone was now also masked with a husky tone of want, desire and just plain lust "Why don't we go inside, Love, give the neighbours a little less to talk about, hmmm?" Tera nodded and followed the man in side the 53 room Gothic estate.

He lead his date, which he wasn't too ready to say 'goodnight' to quite yet up the stairs, and to the third bedroom on the left.

When they got into the room, the making out commenced until Alfred was down to his batman boxers (a joke from Master Bruce), before he stopped Tera once again. "excuse me, Miss Tera, I won't be but a moment. Will you like anything?"

The redhead purred "only you, honey."

He swallowed and blushed, not used to being talked to in such a manor "Yes, well than, just a moment." he stared at the woman on his cotton sheets wearing nothing but black lace and a smile.

He pulled his pants over his shirt, once more, as if going back on duty and he snuck out of the room; shut the door quietly and with the speed and agility of a younger man he ran into one of ten washrooms in the household, The one that was often used as the main washroom, as it was the closest distance between the rooms of Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake and his own.

Bruce Wayne who was on his way to the study, stopped and leaned up against the Bathroom door when he walked past and found Alfred looking frantically for something in the cupboard of the vanity the older Butler was on his hands and knees "Alfred? Are you okay? Is something wrong?"

Alfred looked up startled, he couldn't possibly tell the man he raised as a son what he was looking for, could he?

"No, umm…Master Bruce" he got up off the floor and dusted him self off "I was just…looking for something."

"I figured, maybe I could help?!"

Alfred bowed his head, why was he so embarrassed about this? "no thank you, Master Bruce, could I help you with something."

"No, no. I was just wondering how you're date went tonight."

'Oh it went fine, Sir, still technically on it." he opened the medicine cabinet, but found nothing but Aspirin bottles and sighed half-heartedly.

"Then why are you…oh!" Bruce smiled as it slowly clicked what it Alfred was looking for. "you know, its easier and the more gentlemanly thing to do if you say 'goodnight' to your date if you are in the same room with her, Alfred."

Alfred knew he was being teased but he wouldn't take the bate, he opened another cupboard on the vanity and found nothing once more. He was getting flustered, he knew he put them here, where were they now? "master Bruce, if I may ask…It seems that I have misplaced something in the bathroom…which isn't normally like me…I just…or would you rather if…" was Alfred Pennyworth blushing?

Bruce waited "would I rather what?"

"Its just that…have you seen the umm…" He was stuttering, and Bruce was biting in the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing.

"Seen what? TV? Utility belt? fresh towels?"

"No, no, no." he rummaged around.

"Toilet cleanser? Soap bars?"

"No, No.' he refused to ask for help on this, but the young billionaire was making it difficult "It was a small box. I know I put them here." Maybe Alfred was loosing his mind. "I bought them myself."

Bruce walked into the room "bought what? Alfred? Seriously?"

Alfred bowed his head "I'm looking for the umm…" his voice went down to a whisper "the box of Johnnie-hats."

Bruce shook his head, genuinely confused "did you look in the coat closet?'

Alfred rolled his eyes "I mean the box of safety tools we keep in the bathroom." he was met with more headshaking "Willie warmers?" more head shaking. Alfred rolled his eyes and was ready to either bang his own head, or that of the head of the young playboy in front of him he wasn't quite sure which yet "Master Bruce, I have the young woman in my bedroom and I am looking for the box of Prophylactics."

Bruce bowed his head and blushed "oh…um…why didn't you say so?"

Alfred cussed under his breath, Bruce didn't hear all of it what he did hear was something along the lines of "world's greatest detective my ass."

"I moved them to another room, since Tim uses this bathroom too, I wasn't too entirely sure if it was appropriate if their was a box of condoms just kind of laying around."

"Of course, I can't believe I never thought of that. Sorry Master Bruce."

Bruce Wayne shook his head and smiled "no worries, Alfred. I'll go get 'em." Bruce left for a moment then came back with the box of multicoloured, condoms and gave them to his Butler and friend "here you go."

Alfred thanked him quietly and took the string of tin foiled condoms out of the box and looked thorough all of the facets: ribbed, extra thin, studded, flavoured, heated, lubricated; before he chose one, handing the rest to Bruce Wayne "This'll do, thank you Master Bruce - and I'm sorry for the confusion."

Bruce clamped his hand down on his older friend's shoulder "don't worry about it, and take the box." the shoved the box back in Alfred's arms.

"I should really only need one, Sir."

Bruce shook his head and grinned wildly "I've seen your date Alfred, take the box." Alfred shrugged and took the box and thanked him again "I'm proud of you, you know, Alfred, not many people today think twice about safe sex; it shows that you really do care for her." Alfred and Bruce felt the roles reverse in their relationship for a split second.

Alfred nodded his head and smiled "what's that saying 'no glove.." Alfred went back into his room to entertain his guest.

Bruce chuckled to himself and went back to his study, he couldn't help humming the 'Trojan man song.'


End file.
